Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i came on her dog
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
