I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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