He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
