When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
