Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I came so hard my ears popped.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
