I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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