So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
