Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Someone came in the potted fern
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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