I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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