fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
