the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
