I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
