A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
