apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
