You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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