I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
