i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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