New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
