i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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