Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
