Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
