I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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