We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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