Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
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I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
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So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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