"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
