if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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