I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
