I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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