I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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