PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
