My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
