Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
