he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
