I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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