In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
