I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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