You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
