im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
