Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
