His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
