So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
