Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Pants are for mortals
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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