I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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