The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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