i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
