Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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