i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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