Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
