Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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