My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
