I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
