Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
