I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
