I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
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It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
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He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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