im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
