My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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