you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
